Vent: Lexapro(fessional)
Medication will always be a messy situation for me. Either I want it but can't get it or I simply refuse to take it. It's similar to an internal need to suffer to some extent. A few years ago, I actually took initiative to get on SSRIs as my mental health was rapidly declining, but out of fear that it may not help or that it may expose deeper underlying issues, I simply stopped. I took several medications over a years time, with each pill being tougher to swallow than the last. It's really my fault though. I am scared to feel okay. It's a ever present constant within my life. I cannot let happiness take precedence and I cannot rid myself of negative emotions. I say happiness as if SSRIs let you be happy, but they don't. They make you a shell. Sure you may not be as unhinged, but how can I door serve it's purpose without a hinge. That door will stay shut, without moving it will remain in place as an uneventful, object. It's embarrassing to think I have this thought process. I've given Lexapro another shot, with it being the first one I ever took. It's been 14 days since the first 10mg pill, and the side-effects have essentially subsided. I hope to see improvements with intrusive thoughts and general anxiety I carry from day to day. We'll see I guess.